Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Four

When I was a kid I was fascinated with tops. I don't know what it was about staring at an object spin, but tops could hold my attention much longer than most things. Maybe its because I can identify with a top. I've always felt my life is at the point when the top starts to teeter, losing speed and balance; wavering in all directions hoping to catch balance.
It wasn't too long after I lost my weight that I started gaining the attention of the opposite sex. I wanted someone to want me. Make me feel worthy, a boyfriend. Just that word, boyfriend, had so much weight to it. For me at 14, a boyfriend meant you were attractive and fun to be around, it meant you mattered. If a guy thought you were worth dating, it was the determining factor that you had worth.
I met Owen at a pizza parlor. He played baseball for his high school and they were celebrating the Seniors last game. Owen was a senior in high school, and 18 years old. He was very tall and muscular. He played the sax, and was a Jehovah's witness. He was the first guy to like me. There was something about him that demanded obedience from me. I hardly spoke a word to him, I would just follow him, hanging on everything he said. He wouldn't tell his friends about me because I was only 14 and he had a reputation for taking advantage of girls. I was his youngest fling.
The last time I saw him was at his house. I came over for dinner and to meet his family. He had a large family. There were 6 boys, with Owen being the oldest at 18 and the youngest being 4. His dad was a big man, I could tell he was once a handsome man, but years of stress and raising 6 boys wore down the handsome ruddiness of his features. His mother was also larger in size. She told me she was happy to have another lady in the house. I could tell she was embarrassed by her boys behavior, and did her best to correct them quietly, with a little avail. The boys were rowdy and rude. I witnessed quite a few tussles between the brothers while I there. I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy, no matter how much Owen told me to relax. He had 2 brothers closer to my age 13 and 15, who mocked him openly about dating someone they could date. At one point during dinner, he yelled at his brothers in a booming voice causing me to drop my fork out of surprise. His outburst made me more uncomfortable and uneasy than I had been feeling. After dinner he took me upstairs to his room and told me to lie on the bed. He pushed me down to my back, and began to reach into my pants. In a panic I froze and blanked. All I remember was crying and telling him to stop. I felt so ashamed. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. He coaxed me out, and tried to get me to calm down. He told me that he didn't know I would freak out, and I was silly for freaking out. When my parents came I gave Owen a solemn goodbye and climbed into the car. I was silent all the way home. I didn't tell them at first about what happened. Had I told them immediately I'm sure their reaction would have been a different one. Instead I let what had transpired settle inside, stirring up unwarranted guilt until I finally spilled over into a confession. I didn't want him to get in trouble or anyone to think badly of him, so I told my parents that I had asked him to touch me. I was grounded for 3 months and told to never speak to him again. I felt like I was even more unworthy for affection than before I had met Owen. That I had been become tainted and no one would want me. It wasn't until years later I removed blame from myself.
Immediately following the incident, Owen broke up with me. He also told me to not tell anyone what happened at his house. For whatever reason, I was heartbroken. I was back to being to being unloved, unnoticed, no worth, and now less to offer.

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